Thank you friends.

(You know who you are.) 

I bought jeans.

Do you remember a year ago when I said I wouldn't buy a pair of jeans until I felt that I was at a comfortable weight?  Well, that time has come.  Yesterday, a little Eddie Bauer package arrived in the mail with my new jeans!  They fit well and I'm so happy I might buy a second pair in another wash.  My husband took these photos and insisted I give you both the front and rear view. So if you're offended by a little denim-wrapped keister, you know who to blame.

Do Things From Your Soul

How am I yanking my butt out of the Debbie-downer funk I've been in?  By making the choice to actively participate in my own healing.  No one is going to do it for me - I've always known that. But I'm finally ready to shift my body and brain out of second gear and really open her up.

This week, I've been making a lot of art. (I'll show you what I've been up to in a few days.) I've been drinking lots of water (and wine). And I've been knocking myself out at boot camp, which while exhausting in the moment, is ultimately very energizing - like a defibrillator, shocking my system back into action. 

Last night, I attended a talk at Positively Fit Lake Highlands centered around nutrition and eating whole foods. It was a lovely reminder to cut back on the poisonous chemical laden crap that is readily available at every grocery store, restaurant and vending machine in America. Again, I know all this to be true, its just nice to hear it again. It's as if we sometimes need a quiet voice to come along and say, "Yeah, so that thing you know to be true....  it's still true."

Art, water, exercise, clean food, supportive husband - I've got everything I'll ever need. As one of my readers pointed out last week, "This is your new life. Maintenance is about the long haul." She's right: weight maintenance is not nearly as flashy or exciting as weight loss.  Sometimes I'll be up and sometimes I'll be down. But I'll never be what I once was and therein lies my success.

Check in - Week 68

I once read that perfectionism is self abuse of the highest order.  It's true that one of my less than admirable traits is a "little miss perfect" strain that causes me to hold myself to an unachievable standard.  And when I inevitably fall short of that impossible goal post, I do get down on myself a bit.  Its not an overwhelming part of my life, but its presence must be dealt with.

I would like to say for the record here that while I acknowledge this character flaw, my perfectionism is an internal struggle against myself and not for public consumption. I have never pretended to be perfect here at Smaller Sarah or at my other blog, for that matter. When I write and blog, I am honest and forthcoming about my life and my environment. I have never created a false image or misled my readers by painting a perfect picture of a life that doesn't reflect my real circumstances. I am by nature, an upbeat person with a very sunny outlook.  My positivity is not spin. It is simply who I am.  From day one, this blog has been about accountability and motivation.  And I am here today, still marching forward with the same intention: to stay connected to my goal of a healthy life, to be accountable for my actions and to stay inspired.

Since my little breakdown, I've been very careful with my energy and my time. I am still attending boot camp classes and I am resting. I am not eating as well as I could be, but I'm also not resorting to any fast food shenanigans either.  I'm in an intentional state of limbo, waiting to make any big moves until my life settles a bit.

This week, my son Charlie was fitted with orthotic leg braces (for those of you who are new to my blog, he has cerebral palsy and you can read about him HERE). He is also in a feeding class for children who cannot consume food unassisted or eat solids. We are attending 7 therapy sessions a week and I just found out that he needs oral surgery soon (nothing major, no worries). My world is revolving around Charlie right now and there is very little time for green smoothies and meditative moments. But I'm trying. Some days are better than others.  My goal is to remain connected, calm and healthy - in that order.  This week I hit all three.  So, all in all, it was a good week.  Not perfect, but even better - it was good.

The New Normal

Life.  

Its an overwhelming experience, isn't it?  

Last night I was up with a cranky two-year-old at an hour when he's usually sleeping and I am having a little "me" time, which usually involves mindlessly scanning Facebook over a glass of cheap white wine. But instead of clicking the "like" button and sipping Chardonay I rocked a sobbing baby into a state of exhaustion until he finally flopped off to sleep.

But you know what? Rocking the baby down was good for me.  A little reminder that yes, life if overwhelming, but eventually the screaming will pass and for a glimmer of a moment, you get to hold your silent, sleeping child and feel the rise and fall of his chest against yours, grateful for the peace he feels.

This morning, the alarm went off at 6am. After lying in bed for 10 minutes deciding weather or not to go to my exercise class, I threw on my running shoes and headed out the door. I wasn't alert. I wasn't pretty. And I certainly wasn't motivated to work out.  But you know what?  Alertness, attractiveness and motivation - these are not class requirements.  All that matters is that I show up. Show up at my son's bedroom door when he screams in the night. Show up to my work out class in the dark morning hours. Show up to therapy. Show up to preschool.

This is my new normal. 

Feeling overwhelmed?

That's okay. Just show up.

Check In - Week 67

This week, I've been taking stock of what is good in my life. I'm still working on it, because it takes a long time to acknowledge the extensive and ever-widening list of awesomeness in my world. When I slow down and count the ways in which goodness and plenty manifest in my life, I am overwhelmed. Bing Crosby sings to Rosemary Clooney about it in "White Christmas". Counting my blessings is always a great exercise and a beautiful way to center myself and step into a space of gratitude when I'm feeling less than myself. Last weekend was a doozy, but somehow this week, things are looking brighter. Why? No reason. I'm just becoming more comfortable with the current state of things, I suppose.

This week, I attended three classes at Positively Fit.  I also met a chiropractor who offered to see me for an adjustment since my body is in a state of revolt. I have an appointment set for tomorrow. (Yay!)  And on the food front? I did not attend to my eating habits this week whatsoever. One thing at a time, eh?

My weight is starting to matter less and less to me. I think there are two main reasons behind this shift. One is that I've been at a constant weight, more or less, for the whole summer. I think my body is very comfortable and happy at this weight. The other reason is that, while I'd like to drop another 20 pounds or so, my current weight is a healthy one.  It's not my ideal weight, but by all calculations, its a healthy, physically fit body.  And for now, that's enough for me.

So from now on, instead of weighing in on Mondays at Smaller Sarah, I'm going to simply check in. You know... its that thing you do when you call your mom at the end of the month.  You check in. You tell her what you've been up to. You re-cap. You touch base and connect.

Weigh In - Week 66

Becoming "exquisitely comfortable with who I am" is a toughie.  Turning my gaze inward is usually really beneficial for me, but sometimes I bump into old junk that stops me in my tracks.  The process of settling into my new self is proving to be a slow one with lots of opportunities for back sliding.  But I'm content to stay with it or rather, in it - living the questions fully so that I can one day live the answers.

It's tough to come up with an "I Did It" list for this week... so here goes nothing:

The "I Did It" List

I attended two boot camp classes

we bought a used car so that I can take my son to therapy every day of the week

I watched a really funny episode of "Doc Martin" that I'd not seen before

I bought myself a pair of divinely soft PJs from the super discount rack at The Gap

I didn't slap anybody

Taking the Cure

My whole body is revolting against me. I carry a 31 pound kid around for hours and hours during the day.  He can't walk or crawl and when I put him down he gets frustrated with his immobility and screams at me. The result is that my body is horribly misaligned and it feels like my hips and shoulders are becoming unhinged.

Today I went to boot camp. The first class of the month is always a physical assessment, which involves running a mile for time.  With my body in a state of rebellion, I was sure that running was going to do me in.  At first I was in a lot of pain - my joints and ligaments were all out of tune.  But after the first few minutes, they began to loosen and even glide. By the half mile mark I was in a rhythm and the pain dissipated. Tonight my jangled bits of body are aching again, but my hour at boot camp afforded me a little break.

A reader (Amber) recently asked me about my game plan for yanking my tired butt out of the "doldrums".  She wanted to know how I was going to "kick it up a notch".  Great question, Amber, and THANK YOU for keeping my on track.  I've got a few ideas and here they are:

1) Reread some of the health literature that got me started on the raw foods in the first place. This includes "The Raw Detox Diet" by Ms. Rose.

2) Get back in a 3 day a week boot camp rhythm.  The key is to just show up.

3) I've joined a "Biggest Loser" competition through my local mom's group. A group of us have pitched in 5 bucks each and the woman who loses the largest percentage of body weight (Sept. 11 - Dec. 4) wins the pool.  I did it in the Spring (and won) and it was a huge motivator.

4) Start every day with green juice again - not just 3 or 4 days a week.  Every. Day. Of. The. Week.  Green juice always makes me feel amazing!  And it curbs my appetite all morning long.

5)  I'd also like to plan a 10-day juice fast again - possibly in October.

6) And finally, this is the first time in a year that I have not been signed up for a 5K.  I think I need to find a race and register.  I tend to better adhere to my running schedule when I've got a race coming up.

So, there are my thoughts.
Now let's hear yours!

Weigh In - Week 65

Alrighty. This is it.  This is the phase I've dreaded since starting this process in June of 2011.  The doldrums.  I'm not losing any weight.  I'm off my game.  My schedule is all caddywompus and I am not feeling the push or motivation that has buoyed me through this entire past year.

It doesn't really matter why. What matters is that I turn this ship around.  I'm ready to find some wind, raise my sails and move.  Today was the end of my long summer travels.  I'm back from my brother-in-law's wedding (which was lovely) and my kiddo starts school this week.  No more setbacks.  Just juicing and boot camp and long walks and moderation and lots of water!

Weekly re-cap:

I've gained a pound this week.  Perhaps it was the amazing catered events I attended this weekend, which were always accompanied by cocktails and ended with dessert. Oh it was sinful! I also threw my hip out this weekend by lugging my 31 pound baby up stairwells and through airports and across busy streets and in heels no less!  So I'll be making an appointment with my chiropractor.  Oye.

And finally thank you to all of you who are still here reading even in the face of missing posts and silent weeks. I so appreciate your encouragement and faith in the process. You are a beautiful reminder to be in the "now" and to let up on the self-judgement pedal. Thank you!

Pounds gained this week: 1

Total pounds lost: 77

The "I Did It" List

traveled with my family to Seattle for a family wedding

slow danced with my husband

photographed two more homes for my freelance writing gig

paid off some credit cards (yay)



And here's a photo from the weekend taken by my mother-in-law. 
While I'm feeling stuck, I'm still feeling happy.
That beautiful man in blue is my husband
and that yummy looking sidecar cocktail on the table is MINE!